Is it simply the world I walk in that makes me feel this way? Or is it the people who vocalise their personal interests, which, when compared to my abysmal shallow puddled depth, is a vast, expansive sea, stretching from here to everywhere.
What I am good at, I am only so good at. I’m not the top in anything. However I’m not the bottom. Always placing a commendable 2nd or 3rd, but never the spot I desire. Never have I been categorised as a clear front line winner. The people who surround me seem to be so immersed in their ideas and work, it seems to flow from them like a constant stream, continuing to pour out and when you think it’s over, that you may get that one up, that small head start, the torrent continues. I’m drowning in it, I’m drowning in the pressured environment I’m struggling to swim in.
What once was my calling, is now my demise.
I feel like I’m trapped in a box where the walls are slowly and deliberately inching closer in, toward the centre, toward me. No matter how hard I fight back, they won’t stop until I’ve been snuffed out. Fighting back is useless, trying to ignore it is useless.
Just one nudge and I’ll implode.
I can feel it building up.
This is why I question, why do I not embody the depth theses people have? What else can I do? It doesn’t come naturally to me, how do I change this?